I was getting ready to take my grandmother to the church. On the christmas day, I changed my outfit. I wore the red mini dress but I still wore my sneakers. What would I do without my sneakers?
A few moments later, papa and mama came to visit my grandmother. Papa was having a talk with my grandmother while I was doing my hair. Mama walked to me and her eyes caught the necklace on my neck.
“Kalung dari siapa?” She asked.
“Temen, Ma.”
“Temen yang mana?”
There were no words coming out from my mouth. I laughed nervously.
I still remember my mom kept trying to get an answer from me but I was in a rush so I went to the church immediately with my grandmother. I bet, my mom would ask me the same question on our next meeting.
My prediction turned into a reality. The next day, I visited my mother and she asked me the same question when I’ve just arrived. Mom, could you give me a second? Oh, she was curious.
It was 7 PM, if I wasn’t mistaken. I didn’t know how but we started to have a long conversation. I started opening myself up to her. I told her every single thing that had happened to me in 2022.
I made mistakes, I struggled, I almost lost myself, and I fell in love.
She didn’t throw a lot of words but she kept listening to me. Somehow, I felt at ease at that moment. It was the first time for both of us to have such a deep long conversation.
“Agamanya apa?” She asked again after throwing some questions about that person to me.
I, again, laughed nervously.
“Sama kayak papamu dulu ya? Kristen?”
“Iya, Ma. Hehe.” I answered while chuckling.
She was chuckling and looking at me deeply. My daughter has grown up, I could see those words in her eyes.
“Ga apa-apa. Selama kamu seneng.”
After gaining my courage, I told her that I’ve been reading the bible again since a month ago. I told her that I wanted to start my spiritual journey in order to find out the religion I want. My spiritual journey has nothing to do with that guy.
I was holding my tears while listening to her. It was okay, she said. She told me that I had grown up and it is my time to make my own choice. She just wanted me to be happy.
“If one day I decided to take the different path, would it be okay for you and papa?” I asked her again, trying to satisfy myself.
“It’s okay. Papa kamu juga ga pernah masalah tentang ini, kan. Mama sama papa akan selalu mendoakan yang terbaik.”
I’m a crybaby and I admit it. I never let myself crying in front of my family, except at my opa’s and my mami’s funeral. I tried my best to hold my tears.
That night was cold because of the rain but it was warm for me. It feels like someone is hugging me tightly while patting my shoulder, telling me that everything is going to be alright.
We kept talking until it was 9:30 PM. Time flies really fast, doesn’t it? I’m really grateful for that night. I feel at ease.
Ma, I’m sorry for taking almost 10 years to open myself up to you.
I had always been the one who ran away. I decided to lock myself out because I was afraid of getting hurt. I can’t lie and I won’t. I’m still trying my best to heal the scars that I got from the past. It’s not easy.
I had always been the one who sought for revenge. Keeping all of the hatred in my heart tired me out so I decided to forgive all of the people who hurt us in the past. I finally made peace with myself even though I’m still struggling.
Ma, thank you for understanding.
Ma, thank you for the unconditional love. I’m sorry for being this stubborn for the past 9 years.
Ma, thank you for loving the things, the person, and the people that I love.
I know that I’m not good at expressing myself verbally but deep down in my heartㅡ I love you. I really do love you and papa.
Your love is pure.
